Conversations At Dinner

A new misadventure in the art of dinner conversations. Last night my family was having leftovers. After the usual complaining, we sat down and began to eat. After 15 minutes, my eight-year old sister (yes, the same one that was lost during laser tag) had still only finished her rice, and had not even started on her meat or broccoli. She made the mistake of deciding to tell a knock-knock joke, while my parents were starting to give her meaningful looks.
Sister:(to dad) knock-knock.
Dad: who's there?
Sister: boo.
Dad: boo who?
Sister: (laughs like there's no tomorrow)
At which point my mom says:
Knock-knock
Sister: who's there?
Mom: (angrily) EAT YOUR DINNER!
Sister:(giggling) eat your dinner who?
Mom: EAT YOUR DINNER NOW!
That's when my dad broke in with the "you're such a slow eater look at you you've barley touched you food and everyone's almost done how could you eat so slowly hurry up and eat!" talk. (haven't we all had this one?) I excused myself to conceal my laughter.

Sorry for not posting earlier.

I had a very strange experiance recently. My family went to trafalga lehi to play laser tag with my cousins. Some of the younger children had decided to ride a rocket. They barley made it off in time, and all of us got to laser tag. Or so we thought. After laser tag, we walked down the stairs to find my eight-year old sister, crying, because we had left her behind on the rocket ride. My parents got in a very bad mood, and each blamed the other in some way or another. I was secretly and evilly amused.

Creative Writing Play: Kilted Thugs

Kilted Thugs

Fiction play

By: Joseph Geilman and Jordan Burnett

Cast of Characters

Prince- wears a sword on his belt, is wearing an expensive tunic.
Princess- Has a pretty dress on.
Thug 1- wears a kilt, has a club and a rusty sword, has a fedora on. Looks like he is forty years old
Thug 2- wears a kilt, has a pointed stick.  Has not been trained in the use of pointy sticks.
Thug 3- wears a kilt, has an ax used for cutting wood, but he uses it for cutting people.

Time Setting- 1699, Springtime

Scene-
A picnic next to Loch Ness. There are plenty of trees and bushes to hide behind.  The nearby castle has been abandoned due to extreme damage.

Scene I

At Rise: The prince and princess walk onstage holding baskets. They both look very grumpy.

Princess: Starts whining. “ Why do we have to go on a picnic?!” She glares at the prince like it’s his fault.

Prince: Replies coolly while setting the picnic up, “Because our parents made us do it you Dumbo.”

Princess: The princess starts to humph.

As the princess sits down, the prince slips a whoopee cushion under her. The prince starts to laugh hysterically. The princess gasps and pours the wine down the front of his tunic. The prince’s eyes bulge. He picks up a turkey and throws it at her.

Princess: The princess then yells, “BAA!!” and shoves the prince into a tree.

Prince: Yells while pointing to his torn tunic, “WHAT THE HECK! THIS TUNIC COST ME A THOUSAND POUNDS!!! THAT WAS FOUL PLAY, EVEN BY MY STANDARDS! DIE YOU REBEL SCUM!! AHHHHHHHHH!”

The Prince yells ahh while running at the princess.  All that noise attracts thugs, who are wearing Kilts. The three Thugs walk onto stage from the opposite side of the stage that the Princess and Prince walked onstage.

Thug 1: Ooh, look, its some little rich children all alone. Hahahaha

Thug 2: Can I poke them with my stick? (says it like an idiot)

Thug 1: (Looking at thug two)No you imbecile! Pointy sticks hurt people, remember?

Thug 2: Oh yeah.  I did tell Bobby to stop bleeding.

Thug 1: (loudly) Just listen to me! We are going to mug this once was fancy people soon.

Thug 3: (In a worried voice) Boss, they are armed with a sword.

Thug 1: (In an authoritative manner)Stop talking, start subduing!!

Thug 3: Okay boss.

Thug 2: (In a winy voice)  But it is my turn! He got to do it last time

Thug 3: (looking at thug 2) It’s always your turn! I think I should get a my turn for once!!

Thug 1: (angrily)JUST TIE THEM UP!!

Thugs 2&3: Yes sir.

During all this arguing, the princess had started to sneak away.

Prince: GET HER! SHE IS GETTING AWAY!

While the thugs are chasing the princess in circles, the Prince starts to draw his sword. Thug 1 sees the action, takes the sword, and brakes it over his knee. He starts to tie the prince up.

Thug 1: (With a sneer on his face) So much for that idea Mr. Richy rich.

While he was gloating, the princess gets captured by the other two thugs. The princess is brought, kicking and struggling, and is tied right next to the prince.

Thug 1: Now that we have them tied up we can eat their food.

Thug 3: I call all the turkey and wine.

Thug 1: (To thug 3) No. I get the wine because I am the leader.

Thugs start to gorge themselves on the food. The Princess starts trying to get free. Prince hangs head dejectedly. Thugs start feasting.

Prince: (To the princess)This is all your fault!! If you hadn’t shoved me into the tree I never would’ve been forced to yell at you!!

Princess: Forced. You. To. YELL! You chose to yell! It is all your fault and now we can’t go home!

Prince: (indignantly, like a child) No, you made me do it.

Thug one: (over his back) SHUT UP!

Meanwhile, the princess realizes that they tied the ropes not quite tight enough around her wrists.  Soon enough, she has freed herself. The prince starts to do puppy eyes at her.  She glances at him disdainfully, then starts to walk off.

Prince: SHE’S GETTING AWAY!!

Princess: You had to spoil my escape! I’m gonna kill you! (Princess runs at the prince and starts clawing his face.)

Thug 3: Get off of each other! (yelling in an annoyed voice)
Thug 3 starts to drag the princess off the prince. The princess turns and gives Thug 3 a knuckle sandwich. Thug 3 is out cold. Thug 2 comes at her with his stick. She grabs it, then pulls, using his own momentum against him.  He is flung out into the lake and he almost drowns . Thug one starts to charge her, but she hides behind the prince. Thug 1 runs into the prince, and the both go out like a light.

Princess: (to no one in particular)That is girl power.

The princess unties the prince and then ties up the thugs. She takes Thug 2’s pointy stick. The prince is still knocked out. The Princess then lays a tripwire in case the thugs find a way to untie themselves. The prince wakes up. Then the prince and princess start to argue, again. The thugs start to come to.

Princess: You should thank me for saving your sorry little royal backside.

Prince: No way. I would have gotten free myself. And you leave my backside out of this.

Princess: You do not order me. I do as I like.

Prince: I call my daddy!! He’ll make you pay!!

Princess: Oh yeah! We don’t have a carriage with us.  

Prince: I’ll use my homing pigeons.

Princess: Blah blah blah. Then what is this.

The princess holds up the pointy stick that was hidden behind her back and shows the prince that it has his homing pigeon stuck to it.

Prince: YOU KILLED MY PIGEON!! I’M GOING TO BREAK YOU AND YOU WILL GET ME A NEW PIGEON!!

The thugs stand up holding the ropes that tied them up. They reach down and grab thick sticks. Thug 2 Comes out from behind some trees, dripping wet from his swim in the lake. They advance on the prince and princess.

Thug 1: CHARGE!

Princess: Oh no! They are awake and free!

Prince: That is why you let men tie the knots.

The princess gets knocked out. The prince surrenders. They are tied up again. Thug 1 picks up his fallen fedora, brushes it off, and puts it back on.

Thug 1: That feels a lot better now.

Prince: (to the thugs who are eating) If you take me to my father he will ransom for me.

Thug 1: But then we would not have the pleasure to torture you.

Thug 2: Yeah. I call lighting the fire while they hang by their toes.

Thug 3: You got to do that last time! It is my turn today!

Thug 2: NO IT IS MY TURN!!

Thugs 2 and 3 start to throw fists. Princess wakes up. Princess immediately turns the fighting to her advantage.

Princess: Give him a good old left hook Thug 3.

The prince gets the idea

Prince: Do a roundhouse kick Thug 2!

Thug 1:Wait, stop fighting!!

Thug 2: (To thug 1 in a whinny voice) But I am winning.

Thug 3: No, I’m winning!! You got to win last time! It’s my turn!

Thug 2: Winning doesn’t work that way you idiot!! It only works that way when it’s my turn! And it is. My turn.

The princess and prince brake free at the same time. They walk in different directions.

Princess: Over here!

Prince: No, over here.

Thug 1: Thug 2, get the girl. Thug 3, get the boy! I’ll make sure they don’t make a run for the food.

Prince and princess start to lead the thugs towards the tripwire. Thugs follow, obliviously. When the prince and princess get to the tripwire, they jump it.The thugs don’t see it until it is too late. In the fall, Thug 3 drops his axe. The prince picks it up, and uses the flat of the blade to knock the thugs out. Thug 1 ignores all the noise, and continues eating.

Prince: (whispering to princess) I’ll sneak up from behind and knock him out, you distract him with the pointy stick.

They start the plan. Almost instantly, things go wrong. The prince trips over some rocks, and dislocates his big toe.

Prince: OWWW!! I dislocated my big toe!
Thug 1: HEY!

The thug turns around. The princess charges, and whacks the thug on the back of the head with the not pointed end of the pointy stick. The thug falls over onto the prince, popping his big toe back into place.  

Prince: OUCH!!

Princess: (sarcastically) Aww, poor baby. Do you want me to kiss it better?

Prince: (does puppy eyes) mmhmm.

Prince and princess both start laughing, then walk home, holding hands after tying up the thugs. The prince is limping . Curtain.

THE END

Dinner With Freddy Joe Jr.

“ Why hello Freddy Joe Jr.. Come inside.” said Billy Bob, “ Come and wait on the couch while I make dinner.”

“Why thank you.” said Freddy Joe.

“Do I put in glass shards in his pasta,” wondered Billy, “or do I poison the rim of his cup? Or maybe I put should lead into his drink. Oh, the possibilities. I think I will poison Freddy Joe’s cup with a poison for a slow, painful death in the ER. I think I will add some lead, too.”
“Now, lets see. . .pour ten cups of hot water in the bowl. Let it get to a rapid boil. Then put in the spaghetti noodles. After the spaghetti noodles are soft, add the flavoring packets.” read Billy.       

“ Well that’s retarded!  What about the lead and poison?! Oh I know, I will add them later so I don’t get it as well. Oh look the water is boiling now.” said Billy Bob loudly.

“WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?!” Freddy Joe yelled. “It smells terrible in here! Is that some snails on the cutting board!?! What are they doing there!?!”

“I was going to chop them up and put them in a salad. It is a new recipe I wanted to try. I picked the cone snails out of the ocean today. They’re still fresh, if slightly dry.” answered Billy Bob. “Now go sit down. I have work to do in the kitchen. Shoo. Now where was I?  Ooh yes.  I was rubbing poison onto his glass and putting the noodles in the boiling water.”

“Come to the table Freddy Joe! The dinner is ready, and it only took me one point five hours to make it, not including gathering the snails.” Called Billy Bob.
“Not to mention that cone snails are extremely poisonous.” Billy Bob thought to himself.

“I’m coming!” answered Freddy Joe.

“Now dig in and eat.” said Billy Bob.

“The salad does not taste to good.” said Freddy Joe. “The noodles taste a lot like lead paint, and I smell rat poison on my glass.”

“Okay,I will throw the salad out.”replied Billy Bob.

“I Don’t feel to well. I need to go home now before I throw up.” said Freddy Joe.

“Maybe you are just hungry and need to eat more?” said Billy Bob.

“No, I really need to go home. NOW!” replied Freddy Joe.

“Okay. I wish you could stay longer, but if you need to go home then go.” said Billy Bob. “I will go get your car ready.”

“Good bye.” called Billy Bob as Freddy Joe drove away.

“Now how do I get rid of the things?” pondered Billy Bob, “I know I will burn them.”

“These fumes are highly intoxicating. I feel high. Now I am dizzy.” thought Billy Bob as he died from inhaling particles of lead.

For those who are wondering, my dad seems to have stopped blogging.  This is somewhat sad for global parents, as now only one side of the story will be portrayed.  It will not be my dad's.  For example,

Tonight my dad called me a lummox at dinner.  Then he corrected himself and said I was a Great lummox, to help my feelings.  I call this child abuse.  Shortly thereafter, my sister left in a a huff about some wrinkle comment I had made.  My Mom got mad at me, until my dad started singing a song about "poor, poor *****, gave us quite a scarra, she simply won't return home again".  At this point my Mom told him off about not helping the situation, and went to the tiny bathroom near the kitchen to help ***** with her feelings.  At this point I joined my dad in singing another parody of my sister.  I don't think my dad has finished growing up yet.

Whith this in mind, are you still willing to trust my dad to give you an unbiased account?  For those seeking his side of the story ( which he probably won't post ) click on this link.  http://dj2sburn.blogspot.com/


P.S.
My dad is very lax in his dictatorship of the computer.  His theory on controlling what I post is out the window.  He doesn't know I'm typing this right now.  His theory is in his most recent post, for those interested.

Ohh Dear. . .

I found this when I googled my name.  It is a real news article.

A teenager has been locked up for five months for shining a laser beam at a police helicopter at night and temporarily blinding the pilot.

Jordan Burnett was told by a judge his actions could have been potentially disastrous and devastating.

Maidstone Crown Court heard Essex Police helicopter pilot John Atkinson was flying from Rochester airfield to Basildon at about 2,000ft in the early hours of June 28 this year.

Martin Yale, prosecuting, said it was passing over Chattenden when a green light lit up the whole of the cockpit.

"Those in the helicopter described it as an accurate and sustained attack," he said. "The pilot was forced to take his right hand off the control stick to shield his eyes. He had to effectively swap hands.

"He turned the helicopter away from the beam. He describes losing his night vision and having to fly in a particular manner to get the beam away from interfering with his control of the helicopter."

Mr Yale said the helicopter returned to the scene and the beam was again shone repeatedly at it. Again, evasive action was taken.

The source of the beam was traced to 18-year-old Burnett's home in Elmwood Road, Chattenden, and he immediately owned up to aiming the laser pen at the helicopter.

He told police he had not believed the beam would reach that far. He denied shining it the first time.

"He said he would not have shone it at a car because it would probably make it crash, but he did not apply the same logic tot he helicopter because it was too far away," said the prosecutor.

Burnett, now of Chelmar Road, Chatham, admitted recklessly or negligently acting in a manner likely to endanger an aircraft.

Judge Jeremy Carey said: "It is an occurrence which plainly those who fly at a low level are extremely concerned about because of its potentially disastrous effect."

He added he would accept that Burnett did not shine the laser on the first occasion but said it "beggared belief" that he would not have been aware of it.

Curse Sisters!

Today, child #3 forced me to run into the cold without a jacket.  Her friend had just arrived, I had just finished practicing and Sarah had gotten home.  Suddenly, Mom says "Where's Katie?"  Then Mom goes crazy and sends me out to find her.  She is apparently just leaving the school.  When I run up and try to tell her how worried everyone was, she interrupted me and says "here's a sticky-note pad, Jordan!  I got it out of the prize box for you.  I had to stay after to help teacher clean up trash, because everyone was messy."  What am I supposed to say to that?  I can't get mad at her, because she gave me the sticky-notes, and I can't tease her, because she was helping her teacher.  I think she planned it that way.

Zombie Apocalypse

                It all started with a deadly pandemic.  People were dying everywhere.  Then the virus mixed with Ebola, and all things evil fell to earth.  Dead and dying people began to show signs of being infected with Ebola, but instead of dying like most Ebola victims, they began to act like the common zombies of lore, biting people, and infecting them with this new strain of virus that controlled your thoughts and actions.

            Day 1

John, Sam, and I decided that we should hole up in Mr. C’s portable.  We reinforced all of the walls with stainless steel plating, and barred all of the windows.  We got shotguns, and 20 years’ worth of ammo in a second floor that we built.  We began to build a basement, walling off the ground below us.  We finished this continuation of the portable.  Then the screaming began.  The infected had reached CVMS, and all not prepared were doomed to a fate worse than death.

            Day 10

Strangely, the zombies avoided the portable.  It must have been the ample victims that stopped them from bothering us those first nights.  Then came the nights when they only went after us.  There was no sleep.  There was no rest.  Everything blurred into listen, stick gun out window crack, and fire.  Then, there was silence.  It was worse than the screams of the dead and dying.  It gave us goose bumps like none of the zombie moans could have.  That was the day they found out how to crawl through the ventilation shafts.  They began to fall out of the pipes above us.  Hundreds upon hundreds fell through the ceiling.  We lost John that night to zombie bites.  We moved into the basement, and walled up the ceiling.  Our only hope was that all of the zombies would starve.

            Day 26

I lost Sam to starvation.  The zombies were eating each other.  There goes one hope.  Maybe all of the zombies would eat each other?

            Day 30

Someone from another portable dug through to ours.  Apparently we weren’t the only ones who decided to hide in a portable.  They had plenty of food, but not enough weapons.  They had armored their portables roofs from the start.  I decided to move over to their portable, and brought all of my supplies with me.

            Day 45

They think all of the zombies are gone.  Fools!!  I will laugh at their corpses from outside their portable that they armored.

            Day 46

No, NO!  They plan on opening the doors to see the sky!  I tell them of their insanity.  The zombies are still out there!  They leave me no choice.  I will stop them from opening us all to the plague.  I WILL STOP THEM!!

            Day 47

It is done.  When they were about to doom us all, I shoved them out, and then locked the door again.  I heard their dying screams as the zombies ate them.  I am not the only one starving.

            Day 50

I don’t hear the zombies.  Did I dream it all?  Maybe it is safe to go outside.  I can hear John and Sam calling me.

            Day 51

I keep hearing all the people of portable 6 dying over and over.  I will not open the doors!

            Day 55

John calls me.  I must open the doors, to save him from the zombies.  I must.

            Day 56

I saw my friends out a window.  They are beckoning me.  I am going to open the door.  As I open, I see several hands, flesh hanging loosely off the bones, helping me to open.  I am coming out to meet my new friends.

Qualities

Sarcasm talks the talk, and walks the walk. He is found at all the cool places. Anger & Hatred act as his bodyguards, but are always waiting to beat him up when he is not on guard. Sarcasm is very popular. He walks slowly with his long strides in a black suit and tie, and dark sunglasses. Everyone laughs at his victims with him for fear of getting burned. He can make Somebody into Nobody with a snap of his fingers and his whip-like tongue. He becomes a different person around Childhood. He politely teases and makes Childhood laugh. He can be quite kind for a while after Childhood visits. He remains that way until Anger tries to get a cheap shot in.Sometimes Goading can get the better of sarcasm in a two on one fight. Goading will get Sarcasm to go to far, and Anger will do the rest.

Quick write#2

It all started when Bob, a student at hogwarts, found a mysterious piece of crumpled paper on a train. When Bob uncrumpled the paper, he stared in shock. The paper was light blue, and had lots of diagrams on it. The diagrams weren't moving! The words on the paper were white, blocky, iddentical, and perfectly boring.

Bob decided the paper was a waste of his time, until, suddenly he noticed 2 strange words on top of the paper. Hovercraft Blueprints...

Quick write#1

Dear Flash,
Cannibal! Filth! Foul! How can you stand to live the way you do!? Why did you eat our other two fishn alive!? We were stuck seeing half a fish with it's entrails sticking out trying to swim around the tank!

If you ever get and take the chance to eat another fish again, I will line your tank with fish hooks, smash your head with a rubber mallet, then hang your body outside so that the birds pick you clean and people think you're a wind chime.

Sincerly,

Jordan

Escape the Pandas

It was sweltering hot. The sun beat down upon the red desert sand. The heat coming off of several small rocks was enough to distort the air around them. Osma Van Dickenschirnial was riding along in a convoy to the capitol of Lydia to see his uncle, who was the leader of Lydia. The convoy wasn’t moving very fast. Osma stuck his head out the window and yelled “MOVE  FASTER SLAVES, OR I’LL TAKE AWAY YOU’RE PAYCHECK!!!”. Osma’s 15 slaves just looked back at him. None of them bothered to mention that they didn’t get a paycheck. That would just make him mad.

    Osma started to snooze. Yelling at slaves is very exhausting, no? After a while, Osma was in a deep sleep. So deep, that he didn’t notice when the convoy went over a bump in the road, and he fell out onto his rump. About an hour later, he woke up in a strange prison cell. It was very confusing for poor Osma. Osma started wondering how he got into the cell. Could his slaves have rebelled? He didn’t remember. It was very frustrating. After a while, Osma realized what made the cell so unusual. The bars were made of bamboo. That was very confusing, so Osma didn’t think about it, because he was a person who was always in control, for better or worse ( which is a nice way for saying worse), and didn’t like being confused.

    About an hour later, Osma managed to realize why having bamboo bars was confusing. They were easily broken. Osma was very large in stature, especially for a fifteen year old, and had no difficulty breaking the bamboo bars. That was when they came... the Ninja Assassin Pandas that had kidnapped him! Osma was a teenage slave driver with only one fear... Ninja Assassin Pandas, so he did the only reasonable thing... he went back into his cell and pretended that the bars were not broken. After the pandas left, Osma tried to sneak out again. Imminently, the pandas arrived and scared him into going back into his cell.

    Osma tried again and again and again, but to no avail... the pandas seemed to know whenever he stepped outside of his cell. That got him thinking... how did the pandas know when he was trying to escape? He didn’t notice the little laser sensors that blocked the doorway to his cell. Suddenly, Osma got an idea. He would distract the pandas with a laser pointer while he made his escape. It didn’t work. Osma became desperate. He tried to distract them every sort of way, but they never fell for the bait.

    Finally, Osma got an idea. He grabbed one of the bamboo bars and threw it down the hallway. All the pandas chased after it. Osma was free! He ran out of the prison complex (which was a tower shaped suspiciously like a bamboo pole) and ran out of the little oasis into the desert. Then Osma realized something else. He was lost.

    Slowly, Osma began to backtrack. Everything looked the same. Osma heard a rustling in the bushes. He spun around in time to see a Ninja Assassin Panda charging him! He reacted without thinking.Osma got the panda in a headlock, then threw him back into the bushes. Suddenly, another panda came from the bushes behind him. Osma gave that panda the same treatment. Osma realized that he couldn’t just stand around. Eventually multiple pandas would charge at once, and he would be taken down. Osma decided to head off on the only path he could find. After about an hour, Osma had to stop sprinting and rest. He figured he had about 15 minutes before the pandas found him. Osma started running again.

    Eventually, Osma hit a dead end. Literally. He was jogging around a bend in the path and ran into a brick wall. Osma realized that the brick wall must mean the end of the Oasis. The end of the Oasis meant freedom! Osma climbed the brick wall, jumped off the top, and landed in the middle of a panda patrol! Osma put  up a brilliant fight, but the weight of the pandas dogpileing on him took him out. Suddenly, everyone was quiet as they heard a convoy approaching. Slowly, the convoy moved past. Osma realized that this was his convoy! He started to yell at the slaves to free him. The laves heard his voice coming from the jungle. That confused them. They checked the litter and saw that it was empty! Immediately all the slaves dropped the litter and ran to Lydia to take advantage of their new found freedom.Osma was left feeling rather defeated. He ended up trapped in the bamboo prison forever, just because he was rude to his slaves.